Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
