see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize