i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I did not marry a roomba.
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