I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
