Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize