I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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