Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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