glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
