I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
