Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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