Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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