I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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