Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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