he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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