What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
