Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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