So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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