i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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