haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
