Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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