It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
