Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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