I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
