I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
