This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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