Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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