She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
