did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Randomize
