This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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