I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
