All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I puked a lego.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i dont even know how to be here
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize