i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
