8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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