Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I need a beard to bite.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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