I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
