Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
