just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
