Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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