If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
