You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
