If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
