i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
no, he came in my armpit
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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