Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
