youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
