I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
