I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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