the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
