I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
