Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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