I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
