The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
