how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
