Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
