Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
