Umm I'm too high to move.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
