He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
