She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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