He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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