I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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