dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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