Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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