so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i think my cat just said my name.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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